


Introspective

by ijustwannamakeyousmile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, I dried out the haechan hurt/comf fics so here i am, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Intro kinda cute tho, Jennie-hyung best roommate, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Protective Jung Sungchan, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Soft Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Y'all make this a tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijustwannamakeyousmile/pseuds/ijustwannamakeyousmile
Summary: "I already got more used to calling you HAECHAN than donghyuck."ORwherein HAECHAN finds himself without feeling, and his new dormie starts calling him donghyuck-hyung.
Relationships: Jung Sungchan/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 17
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pro... louge... I think? I don't think it's gonna be chaptered-

Mark has got to take a shower. (Or maybe it was all of them; that wasn’t the point here.) Now Donghyuck didn’t have a foot kink or anything, like he saw some of the international fans going wild about where they thought he couldn’t see. But what he [unfortunately] did have was an extremely sensitive nose. After pushing his voice out of the capacity of his lungs to accommodate the exact beats of SM’s new choreographer, Donghyuck was beat. He didn’t think he could take it if he mustered up his damn cheerleader impression one more time to power on the other members, only to take in Mark’s foot fungus. 

“Yah Ten-hyung! You look like you’re about to fall! Does hyungie want a break?”

In the end, however, he had to. The thing about setting yourself up as a literal social battery? You are never allowed to turn it off. Even if that meant extended exposure to the wonderful aroma of Marky-hyung’s sweaty socks.

Ten-hyung got up again with a shaky smile, “No, don’t worry about it. Practice is over anyways.”  
Ah, that was what he forgot. Donghyuck looked towards the windows exposing the outside of the company building. SM employees often joked that EXO bought this building and tried to guess which song bought each door. Hyuck had his money on Kokobop - that thing was an anthem. But the experienced trouble-maker wasn’t allowed to actually enter into any debts. As a performer, his job was to stay focused. Stay focused on the sounds of shoes screeching on the sturdy floor; his hyungs instructions on where to go; and, an added extra, the emotional states of everyone around him. Now, seeing that his Ten-hyung would be okay, Donghyuck stretched out his calf muscles and exhaled with a question, “So you’re going back to the dorms, then?”

The strangely clear-skinned idol (who was referred to by Yangyang as eleven) responded with an unclear answer. Hyuck ran to support his head as it bobbed off in an effort to respond. Shaking his head, he replied with, “The WayV dorms for tonight - unless you want hyung to walk you back Haechannie?”

The last part of the sentence added a teasing tilt to the whole interaction. And as Donghyuck raised his eyes to meet Ten’s, he could see the elder’s own eyes start to sparkle good-naturedly. Donghyuck knew that comment wasn’t to piss him off, but couldn’t Ten tell he wasn’t in the mood for it right now? Hyuck goddamn knew his heart was in the right place, but at that moment he just scoffed and looked to where the others were crowding the doorway.

“Johnny said he’d meet you at the dorms, Haechan-ah. I’m gonna head out myself.” And that was Mark again, leaving with an unresponsive Jeno by his arms. “I’ll see you at the dorms soon.”

Soon my ass.

At least that's what Donghyuck wanted to say. Soon? Oh, no. Not even close. It seems SM hasn’t gotten their management down yet. There’s been this constant cycle of harshly over-working certain idols only to stick them back in the “SM basement” - as his fans deemed it - again. He had vocal practice. He knew the universe (aka Lee Sooman) was asking him to stop spoiling the loud shouting sounds from 90s love on live, but that didn’t stop him from constantly re-enacting the loud, abrasive noises every time he came across his unit members. It ran his throat dry, and Donghyuck didn’t know if he could take it anymore.  
As the other members started leaving the practice room one by one, Donghyuck realized none of them must have realized his work day wasn’t over yet. “So much for a bit of emotional support,” he sighed.

“Bye Haechan!”

“You’ve worked hard Haechannie!”

“Yah Haechan - see you tomorrow,”

Jeno and Mark said their short goodbyes; Winwin chimed in at the end. Leaving Hyuck alone in the practice room. Or so he thought. 

As Donghyuck took one last sweeping look spanning the whole room, he shivered with all the strength of a one-month-old cat left under a bridge in the middle of winter. After all, that’s exactly what he felt like, breaking out in a cold sweat, still on his way to another schedule his manager wasn’t even bothered to lead him to. But, of course, who was he to take away from the staff’s family time when the studio was technically in the building. Still, as he shivered he couldn’t help but think that the least the staff could do was leave behind a jacket so he didn’t enter his vocal training like a rained-on, less female (but all the bitch) version of lady and the tramp’s character cast.

And while Donghyuck’s mind wandered on towards greater visions of sharing spaghetti with a sexy gutter peasant, he didn’t notice the figure of a taller man coming up behind him.

So he fell with all the grace of a tramp when a thick fluffy coat of thermal protection was lowered onto his head without a warning. 

“Hey Donghyuck-hyung! Take care of your ankle - don’t hurt yourself before I get to debut with you! Take my jacket with you to protect you from the cold, eh, Hyuckie-hyung?”

Sungchan? Jung Sungchan? Exactly who did he think he was?

“Don’t overwork yourself, hyung,” With that, the taller rookie ruffled through the elder’s hair and sent him a wink.

A wink?! Donghyuck couldn’t even force his eyes open - how was he supposed to control the skin on his face and stop it from burning bright red from taking over his face! Again, who did Jung Sungchan think he was? Towering over him, throwing an over-sized body-glove at him, and screwing up his hair? Not even accounting for his obvious dig at his inability to wink (like seriously, why else would Jung Sungchan wink at him)

...Just who did he think he was?

Donghyuck found his pathway of thoughts stray far away from a previously discussed group of stray dogs, and onto a much more concerning series of internally screamed thoughts all ending in question marks.

And as Donghyuck stepped back into the dorm, covered in a physical manifestation of everything Jung Sungchan, he realized he had another one.

How had Sungchan known his ankle was feeling off?


	2. Jennie-Hyung best roomie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The difference between HAECHAN and Lee Donghyuck, and everything they feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to mainly be the hurt part! I tried to project a little less with Hyuck, so I'm sorry if it's a little too fast! Since there will (most likely) be more soft!Donghyuck in later chapter(s) I just wanted to write some JohnHyuck dynamics hehe :)

Upon return to the dorm, Donghyuck could feel his feet slowly start to numb in response to the sudden blast of warmth he was hit with. Ah, home. Finally. One place of work to another. Dodging the sasaengs waiting outside their dorm each night was like another hour of dance practice piled on to him. What he wouldn’t give to bribe Johnny into smashing their faces in-

When Donghyuck was tired his trail of thinking just got increasingly more violent with each second. Is it that hard for a man to find some peace?

“Nice hoodie you got there - never seen it before,” 

Y’all when Hyuck prayed to the universe for peace he did not mean Taeyong’s eyes catching on the foreign piece of clothing hanging onto his upper body. “Oh shut up,” Donghyuck sighed, _“... That new member, Sungchan, is so frustrating. So much for a good first impression - he really thinks I’m a charity case? Why’d he say he wanted to protect me - does that brat actually think he’s stronger than me?”_

Of course Donghyuck left out the last part about Sungchan. Cutting Taeyong off with a heavier-than-normal sigh, Hyuck retired to his bedroom.

“Hey, wait, Haechannie, aren’t you going to eat-?”

It was hard enough for him to conjure enough energy to lift his right foot in front of his left to take a shower. But, he knew after the mess that was the first half of the year, not showering was the only thing keeping himself from falling into the same pit of misery he was enclaved in back then. With Kick it promotions, followed by Ridin’ with the dreamies, and Punch? Those months were incredibly hard. It led to more than just a few interventions on the 127 hyungs’ and the rest of NCTs’, as well. If word got back to Sungchan about how bad Haechan’s breakdowns were after music shows… Well Donghyuck might as well ask the younger to throw his whole _closet_ at him tomorrow.

Nevertheless, as Donghyuck showered, he felt glad. Glad because he was doing something for himself, glad because he was going to feel great after this shower, glad because he wasn’t alone, he wasn’t over-worked, he wasn’t sad, he wasn’t depressed, he wasn’t feeling sad he- he _wasn’t_ feel sad-

Tears?  
Suddenly tears?

Donghyuck couldn’t feel. Why couldn't he feel??

The tears wouldn’t fall. They weren't flowing - his _emotions_ weren't flowing.

As he worked through his maze of introspective thoughts it seems as though he has finally arrived at a realization: he stopped feeling. Lee Donghuck couldn’t feel a thing.

Yes, he was shocked by the sudden cold of the shower as he crumbled down beneath the water. Yes, he felt the scalding heat from the water as it crashed on to his tired head. He must have forgotten to also turn on the cold tap, he realizes. He feels, he feels, he feels.

But there’s no feeling.

It’s like a wave of pure salt water is trying to burst from his eyes, but a net that’s ripping at the seams is holding it back. There’s a truth that’s just waiting to be told by Donghyuck but there’s no words to quite exactly describe the absolute, complete nothing-ness he feels in the moment.

So when Johnny opens the door to a teary-eyed, red-skinned Haechan sitting in the shower, he doesn’t ask questions. 

It’s not like Donghyuck could answer, anyways.

His tongue sat unmoving in his mouth, his expression too melancholic to face Johnny’s worried eyes as he brought Donghyuck up. Hyuck knew how much it hurt his hyung to see the little spunky teenager he helped raise grow into this somber pile of unworking bones. Donghyuck couldn’t meet his eyes; a miniscule bout of shame rose up into his being. Nevertheless, Johnny tenderly went through the actions Donghyuck could’ve and got him safely into bed again.

Donghyuck couldn’t even begin to explain how much that meant to him. Seeing his pseudo-father helping him out of the tiny slump he fell into this evening led into a tiny smile on his face as Johnny laid him down in bed and left to go off the lights. He was so lucky. Damn, he was so lucky to have this. And that was the last string of the net tearing apart and letting the wave overflow himself.

Tears fell as he smiled;

he was so _lucky_.

The crick-crack of the window resisting as Johnny battled to open the window left Donghyuck with a pleasant tenderness in his expression.

“Music?”

“Yah, ours.”

And soon, “Love me Now” was blasting throughout the room, and Donghyuck’s heart started to breathe again. The vibe was - to describe it with Johnny’s words - immaculate, refreshing, and everything in between. 

“So how was practice today?” Johnny questioned.

Donghyuck didn’t especially want to talk, but that was part of the beauty of his hyung. Forcing him to reach out was, at times, appreciated.

“It was... okay… But… I’m not sure if I really match the-”

“OH! why, why, why, your voice is the definition of love, let alone in the 90s-”

“Your hair is getting really pretty these days, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed,” Johnny continued.

“Oh be quiet hyung, we all know you’re the ultimate hair icon.”

“Yah, Dongsookie-”

“Shut up.”

“Seriously though, you managed to pull that off so well-”

“Shut UP Hyung!”

All it took was one negative comment about himself and Johnny started hyping him up like it was his personal profession. Donghyuck has mentioned this before - when he went by “SunD” - but he really loves rooming with Johnny-Hyung. Late nights like these, talking with a playlist on shuffle, flustering Hyuck with all these compliments (and damn Donghyuck might be grooming a praise kink, but-)

“Every time you dance I ask myself how someone like you can even exist,”

With a deep breath, Donghyuck started to let the drowsiness overcome him. Hyuck really was a hoe for the light ambience of piano-filled ballads chiming in with clocks striking to signify another hour passed in the early morning.

“Good night, Jennie-Hyung,”

“Good night, Haechan-ah.”

And just like that, the spell was broken.

Donghyuck felt like he just puked on Yangyang’s cat.

\---------------

There are some days Lee Donghyuck can’t feel. He can’t move; he can’t speak. Those days, HAECHAN feels for him. Those days HAECHAN moves; he speaks; he laughs; and he manages to weasel himself all the way onto his members’ nerves without them noticing his repetitive, predictable actions. 

Those days, HAECHAN wilts away as soon as he steps back into the dorm.

Those days, Lee Donghyuck stops feeling again.

All he wants is to be recognized as Lee Donghyuck sometimes. The mischievous little maknae of 127 who was unable to contain his excitement of debuting would forever be imprinted in his mind as a memory of pure adrenaline. Lee Donghyuck.... the Lee Donghyuck who could feel. 

“Donghyuck-ah,”

\--

_“Take my jacket with you to protect you from the cold, eh, Hyuckie-hyung?”_  
.  
.  
.

And just _how_ had that damn Jung Sungchan known _exactly_ what he’d wanted?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for whatever word blabber you just exposed yourself to but... 
> 
> Have good day :D
> 
> (or night, or afternoon, or morning, or whatever "butters your toast")


	3. Line without a hook.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck lays in bed and cries.
> 
> What's new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This got too long so I couldn't include any immediate comfort but that's probably gonna come soon! So please don't read this part if you're looking for any large amount of comfort! Hehe :*

_“Tell all of your friends that I’m crazy and drive you mad,  
that I’m such a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath.”_

A maniac.

That’s what Donghyuck felt as he laid in bed, staring back up at the rough, dotted material that formed his ceiling. Music seemed to reach the end of his finger-tips that were blooming with a fresh color of red among the pale sheet of skin that greatly differed from his normal sun-kissed complexion. 

“Melanin king” they called him.

What kind of king would lower himself into the depths HAECHAN threw Donghyuck into?

What kind of king was lowered into the pits of Hell by his own self?

At Least Caesar was struck down by other people. The thought almost brought up a half-smile on his face. Reminiscing the times in high school where he would bullshit a project right in front of the history teacher’s eyes the day before a music show, Donghyuck exhaled out with a sigh. He forgot to take into account the fact that he would have to inhale again, choking a bit when his body forced oxygen in.

_“Oh baby I feel like a wreck when I’m without you-”_

What was he even doing? He had so much that needed to be done - so much he needed to do. But as the world faded away with his blurry vision, Donghyuck didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to move, or think, or function. For God’s sake all Donghyuck wanted was… to feel alive. Every action he made just led to an even more sheltered body, contracting and shivering from the cold that seemed to surround him.

Hyuck didn’t know what he did to deserve it. Breaking out into a cold, ugly sweat Donghyuck pleaded with his upper body to straighten out and just _get up._

But he couldn’t.

And he knew that if his dad found out he’d spit in face, calling him lazy, his family never one for understanding. It was a matter of understanding how much Donghyuck wanted to move, but his mind was holding him back. A matter of being able to feel how _much_ Hyuck just wanted to cry, but the world was holding him back. He thought back to the photo shoot - how he laughed and played along with Renjun and the other 21 members surrounding the pair of vengeful besties.

And, oh, how much he missed the dreamies. Sometimes when he heard the peals of Chenle’s laughter, or saw how completely, absolutely _whipped_ Jeno was for Jaemin, Haechan could feel the sparks of joy light up in his fading heart. So much so that some of that joy could stick with Donghyuck even in times where he was left all alone in his room, nights where Johnny-hyung wouldn’t be sleeping in the dorms with him.  
Donghyuck felt something even colder than the air around him bleed through his shirt. Looking down, it was easy to identify the salty stain left on his hoodie.

 _“Not_ his _hoodie”_ , Donghyuck thought with an (actual) laugh.

Scratch that - it was more of a giggle. Sungchan really found a way to worm into his business even when said business was wallowing in a pit of his own self-contained misery.

Huh.

In an effort to distract himself from any Sungchan-centric thoughts, Donghyuck switched off the playlist filled with songs he only half understood (English being a completely idiotic subject to try and understand, a foolish endeavour only beaten by those trying to master the American English slang - like _seriously_ why did everyone go crazy over a drenched cat? Johnny, Mark, and even Jaehyun never explained anything to him when he asked!)

Donghyuck heard the line, _“I’ll make a cup of coffee for your-”_ suddenly cut off as he switched to youtube. He figured the best thing to do, at that moment, for himself, was to google his name. Now he knows what his members are thinking whenever he tells them about one of his favorite pass-times. But Donghyuck swears he never sees (or at least tries never to see) anything mean about him online, the way he goes looking for nctzens comments about him.

Always nctzens. Never netizens.

Typing Haechan, with English lettering, into the search bar of youtube, the young idol proceeds to start scrolling through the variety of videos youtube presents to him. Then, stopping for a moment, he tries something different this time.

“이동혁”

Lee Donghyuck.

Hyuck types his given name, with Korean lettering, into the search bar this time.

"[NCT 해찬/이동혁] 근데 사실 나 걔 좋아했었어"  
"그저 이동혁이 웃긴 영상"  
"해찬이가 이동혁이 되는 순간...★"

“ [NCT HAECHAN/Lee Donghyuck] But honestly, I liked him”  
“Just a video of Lee Donghyuck laughing”  
“Moments when HAECHAN turns into Lee Donghyuck…”

The second title made Donghyucks heart slightly soar, while the third inspired a streak of curiosity to vibrate within him. Clicking on the video, Donghyuck first noticed the clip of him sitting at his desk and gaming non-stop. A hint of a chuckle graced his features when he recalled the warmth he felt hearing Jaehyun affectionately refer to him as, “baby.”

Donghyuck continued to watch the adorable compilation the fan had out together.

He honestly didn't know how they did it. _“All the editing and clip-searching must have been hard work.”_ Donghyuck mentally notes as his eyes take in what’s on the screen of his phone. Slowly he felt himself start to get the tiniest bit more lethargic, as he fell back in bed; the only muscle of his body that was tensed up was the arm that held the phone high above his head.

Ah, ‘To You #2’

That was the title of the video coming up next.

From their youtube channel, NCT Daily (which now had over 3.3 million subscribers, it was crazy).

Now Donghyuck wasn’t trying to screw up his mental health or anything that night. He just… thought that looking through some overly emotional footage where he let himself relax and step in front of the camera as the true _Lee Donghyuck_ would be a more healing experience for him.

As he should have realized way earlier on, it was not.

Mark was never really one for sweet-talking or forming long, etiquette paragraphs that gracefully delivered a point. As Donghyuck had figured out, over years of experience conversing with the elder (but only by one year), when Mark tried, he packed quite a punch with his words.

Even if they were spread about, seemingly making no sense to anyone looking from the outside-in, Donghyuck knew the caution and thought put behind each of the words Mark was rambling at the standing camera placed before him.

_“When I look at you… When I look at you I think of time…”_

Now if that isn’t the truth. 

With Lee Minhyung’s speaking voice filling up his ears, Lee Donghyuck felt the mood of his evening change from the haunting feeling of emptiness towards the comforting phantom pain of nostalgia.

Markhyuck felt like an always changing calendar that would never truly change at its core. Every year, every revolution around the sun came with change, but that never changed the fact that at the end of the year everyone always celebrated the New Years. In the same way, the friendship combing over a decade between the two SM trainees turned mega-artists was never lost to the troubles of time.

_“Also when I’m with you, I can talk about everything.”_

HAECHAN could really say the same. Every concern surrounding his dance moves, his stage presence, his musical activities, or his energy levels? Mark was his constant go-to.

Donghyuck couldn’t really say the same.

He’d told no one.

Even when he was a barely debuted rookie artist, Donghyuck felt weight on his shoulders. He’d go through this same cycle:  
Hyper-depressed-unmoving-nostalgic-happy-tired-loud-hyper-depressed-unmoving-nostalgic-happy-tired-loud-

_And it just wouldn’t stop._

Granted, it wasn’t day-by-day, more of a weekly or even maybe monthly cycle. However, it still existed, and it hindered Donghyuck to no ends.

Because he never told anyone. He didn’t tell Doyoung-hyung when he looked at him with that worried expression he spied-with-his-little-eye when Donghyuck stopped mercilessly teasing his Hyung. He didn’t tell anyone when Jaemin snuggled up to him on nights he stayed at the Dreamies’ dorm, a mass amount of people close to his age noticing the slight frown spurting up on his face. He didn’t tell anyone when all his fellow members gathered together after Donghyuck was almost done with three straight comebacks at the beginning of the year.

An _intervention_ they’d said.

An intervention was what his father had called it before, too.

Except it was very different.

Soft spoken words were replaced by violent words coupled with swear-words every other word.

Soft touches Donghyuck took in used to be the harsh punishment at the hands of his father.

For what?

For lazing around.

And as Donghyuck laid there in bed, he realized he couldn’t breath over the sobs racking his body; sound only partially muffled by the bedsheets stuffed up in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That part about Caesar was 100% because I have this humanities project due in like three days that I need to write a five minute poem, a huge essay, some other random writings, create a slideshow, and record myself presenting! But I'm really unmotivated and it just seems so scary to start :(  
> And I also needa learn a few pages of music (like srsly who likes Bach???) and record a dance performance and practice and relearn like 359258y298 different dances. And try to understand math.  
> And im just so stressed and ive procrastinated LIKE SHIT throughout thanksgiving break-  
> thanksgiving which shd not even exist in my opinion. It's disgusting how kids in elementary will spend their whole life thinking the natives and the colonizers shared food and were all buddy buddy with each other. When, in actuality, they massacered a whole nation of people :(

**Author's Note:**

> "Doing my Duty as an emotionally unstable Sunflower"  
> :::\\\\\ was runner up for title


End file.
